


and brother if you have the chance to pick me up?

by Graves_deDouleur



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Parent John Winchester, Cas is v blunt, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Guns, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Non-Graphic Violence, Not Beta Read, Sam Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, also dean and cas are in here but like it's mostly sam, also has terrible self-esteem, and maybe a smidge ooc but he only has like one (1) line so don't worry about it, i simply do not vibe with canon although this does TECHNICALLY follow it, sam winchester is a good brother, sam winchester is v sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:52:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28784478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graves_deDouleur/pseuds/Graves_deDouleur
Summary: Sam knows.Sorta.Sam knows what it means to be different, and he notices that Dean does too. He hadn’t noticed when he was a kid, not consciously, but now he sees it. It practically smacks him in the face when Cas joins their group.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 120





	and brother if you have the chance to pick me up?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a Dean girl, which means I'm obligated to love Sam. The title is from Brother by Gerard Way.  
> Saying that Sam doesn't like Sam so...
> 
> TW-Sam talks about feeling dirty, and that's paralleled with being gay. Don't worry he realizes that's dumb but still.

_Sam’s weird. He knows he is, but it settles when Jess tells him so. It’s his first time meeting her, outside of the dorm building with a wad of cash from his brother in his pocket, and his father's last words to him burned in his mind._

_“You’re kind of weird, ya know?” She says it with a smile though. Like it’s an inside joke; like it’s a good thing. She says it the same way Dean calls him a girl and then buys him whatever skincare product he had been asking for._

_He’ll reflect later. He’ll realize that that’s what he liked about her. The way she had affirmed and forgiven his oddness in one stroke._

* * *

Sam knows. 

Sorta. 

Sam knows what it means to be different, and he notices that Dean does too. He hadn’t noticed when he was a kid, not consciously, but now he sees it. It practically smacks him in the face when Cas joins their group. Dean looks at Cas, and Sam can tell he loves him. In the same way, he could tell that Dean loved Cassie and all of the others they’ve left in their path. Sam can also tell how much Dean hates the way he feels about Cas. He looks, looks away, and then shakes his head slightly-scolding himself. 

After reflection, he knows that he knew as a kid too, just didn’t know he knew. Remembers once calling Dean gay as an insult, picked it up at school, and Dean’s face after. It was the same face he made when John said a different word, one he would learn was much worse. Well. He hadn’t done it again. Talked to some teachers about it, and did his own research, and came to the conclusion that people deserved love, no matter what. He supposes that subconsciously it was more focused on Dean deserving love, no matter who it was with. Maybe he was quicker to understand, to know, the way his father looked at him sometimes even when he did everything he was supposed to like he was unclean. No one deserved that. Not him, not Dean, and not anyone else; not for simply wanting something. He pointedly ignores his father’s voice that disagrees with him. 

They don’t talk about it, though to be fair, they don’t talk about anything to do with feelings. Sam wants to tell him that neither of them is wrong or dirty, so he does. Then, he realizes he always has. 

He talks to Dean about his friend from college, about how he and his boyfriend would probably be married someday; then suddenly recalls a similar conversation when he was 10. Celebrates when Charlie gets a girlfriend, discusses them casually. The boldest thing he does is never gender Dean’s future partners. Subtle to anyone who isn’t them, obvious to Dean, hopefully. He makes it clear, that he hopes Dean gets a future where he is happy with someone, that who that someone is doesn’t matter to Sam. 

They’ve always been good about talking to each other about something without _actually_ talking about it. Usually. 

* * *

_And Dean’s pointing the gun at Dad. At John, not Dad, never was a dad. And Sam asks what he’s doing, even tells him to put the gun down, but that’s not what he’s thinking._

_Shoot him. Please shoot him._

_And then the thought registers, and it’s the words of his father now, his classmates,_

_Wrong. Impure. Wrong._

_In the end, Dean doesn’t shoot, because Dean isn’t wrong like him, because Dean is a good son. Or maybe he just hadn't heard Sam's silently plea._

_He'll remember this moment the nights when he can't sleep. Nights when he has gotten past his own worth and decides they would've been better off with John dead. Nights when he hasn't when all he wants is for his dad to tell him he's good and right. Sam will dream about what their lives may have been like if Dean had pulled the trigger, had pointed that gun at John before he thought there was a demon in him when they were kids. He decides that his life would've been better, no matter how much he loves John, they would've been better if he was dead. He cries himself to sleep that night. Dean can tell something is off, makes him an egg-white omelet for breakfast._

* * *

The point is Sam knows, and he knows he knows now. Not that he is certain of anything; he can’t read Dean’s mind after all. Sam knows that Dean feels like he’s wrong about something, that it ways him down, and that he flinches whenever a random person assumes that either Dean and Sam or Dean and Cas are a couple. 

He also knows that Dean and Cas are close. They watch each other a lot, offer touches that seem a hair too sweet to be friendly. He knows that Dean has saved Cas in ways that Sam just couldn’t have; broke through brainwashing with a phrase. 

In the end, it’s Cas that breaks the tentative silence on the matter, a statement that adds cracks to it before shattering in a few day’s time. 

“I do not think it is wise for us to go on a hunt at the moment. I told Dean I love him, so it may be tense until the matter has been fully resolved.” His words are tinged with sadness, and he seems too focused on making it sound nonchalant to notices the brothers’ reaction. 

Sam and Dean have both frozen stiff. Sam shakes it faster, his ice was shock, and Dean’s is fear, known to be colder. 

“Okay!” Rushed, but not shaky, “That’s fine! Just, uh, let me know if either of you needs to talk about… if you need to talk.” That’s fine, he can offer a shoulder. Right? He decides it’s best not to focus too much on any blunder he may have made, grabbing the folder in front of him and straightening it. 

Dean leaves the room. 

Sam isn’t scared; not truly. They faced worse, monsters and actual death, deep down he knows this, but he can’t help the small part of him that’s worried. He doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. He wants Dean and Cas to be happy. He wants Dean and Cas to _know_ he wants them to be happy. The tension sits too long though, and by the time he thinks to do this, it’s too late. A day or two has passed and he hopes. He hopes. Dean must know because he knocks on his door. 

To say the conversation is stilted would be an understatement. It’s not like either of them are experts in emotional communication. It’s awkward, and they’re both red as beets, but Sam’s not gonna let this opportunity pass him by. 

“It’s okay.” It’s the first thing either of them have said, and Sam’s more than okay with that actually, it’s the main message he wants to get across, “Whatever happens between you or Cas, if-if it’s something or it’s nothing. That’s fine. It would be fine with anyone. It’s okay.” The words are flowing out of his mouth now, and he quickly dams it up before it gets too sappy. 

Dean is still bright red, but he has this _look_ on his face. He nods, ever so slight. 

Dean clears his throat, “Yeah, yeah. I knew you would...I’ve talked to Cas. Everything’s fine, nothing’s gonna change or anything,” Sam nods this time, “But, we talked and...you know. I-I care about him a lot.” 

Sam is nodding frantically now, “I knew, I know, I mean...I think you guys will be happy...together.” Sam almost winces but holds off; he means it, so he said it. 

And Dean is still just looking at him. And Sam is screaming in his head just like last time, except this time Dean must hear him. 

“Yeah, I think so too.” Dean smiles. 

He then promptly shoves Sam in the shoulder. Makes some crack about chick-flicks, before ruffling Sam’s hair. 

Yeah, they’re gonna be happy together. Finally, they all get the happiness they deserve. They’re okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> uuuhhhh yeah. Maybe I'll write a destiel story with dean and cas but this is better so..


End file.
